DEATH STAR — Viewers of the Imperial News Network were stunned today, as Mark Hamill joined a Death Star press conference to say what a good job he thinks the Emperor is doing.
**** Twitter Releases New Community-Based Tool To Find Witches ****
SALEM, MA—In a new, innovative way to handle the growing problem of witchcraft, Twitter's Salem division has now released a community-based tool, Witchwatch, to... more#BabylonBee
**** Twitter Releases New Community-Based Tool To Find Witches ****
SALEM, MA—In a new, innovative way to handle the growing problem of witchcraft, Twitter's Salem division has now released a community-based tool, Witchwatch, to crowdsource witch identification.
“Instead of having all the decision-making of who is and who isn’t a witch in the hands of a few magistrates,” said Chief Magistrate William Stoughton, “we’re going to empower the community to identify all those who have had congress with the devil.”
Anyone can apply to be a part of Witchwatch (though those who have previously been accused of witchcraft will be disqualified). Participants in Witchwatch will receive a form on which they can write down suspected witches, supporting each accusation with evidence of witchcraft, such as unexplained illness or failing crops. If enough different individuals accuse the same person of witchcraft, that person will have a “suspected witch” warning accompanying everything he or she says. And with even more accusations, the suspect will be burned at the stake.
“It’s a great system that’s already correctly identified witches in a few test markets,” Stoughton said. “We’ll soon release it throughout all of Salem and then hopefully after that, it can be used to combat the problem of witches worldwide.” less
U.S.—Americans in some states are finally starting to feel normal again, now that stay-at-home orders are being lifted. Children are at the park again, adults are back at the bar, and the elderly continue to play bingo at 4... moreU.S.—Americans in some states are finally starting to feel normal again, now that stay-at-home orders are being lifted. Children are at the park again, adults are back at the bar, and the elderly continue to play bingo at 4 p.m. sharp on a
We have a WINNER! #BabylonBee takes a swing at reason Americans are ready to get back to work and knocks it out of the park (celebs hardest hit)
via @twitchyteam
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